Thursday, March 10, 2011

Okay Seriously, I Am Not Depressed (it's a long one, just deal with it)

I should just leave it at that, but I'll go on. It has come to my attention that my previous post has some of you concerned about my emotional well being. I would just like to reiterate, I am not depressed. While I appreciate your concern, in this instance it's not necessary. I may have chosen to write on the wrong day. We all have ups and downs. I'm sure on occasion you all wake up and dread going to work, the grocery store, cleaning the kitchen, etc. I'd be more worried if you didn't, it might indicate that you have a brain tumor. No one is super happy, all the time. Am I looking forward to being home at the end of May? Yes. Anyone else looking forward to us being home at the end of May? That's what I thought.

Yes, I'm a little down about the hardships in my current living situation, but I'm sure that you have also committed to things that turn out not to be what you were hoping for too. I'm not about to quit. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I don't give up. I might not even try in the first place, but once committed, I don't give in. Scott told me someone he works with told him the other day, 'My wife's only called twice, crying, and insisting that they go home.' I will not be that wife. Lots of things make me cry these days, it's probably due to the hormones, but I'm not crying over being here. Again, I will not quit. As my mother will tell you, and anyone else who will listen, I was a whiner as a child. But I'm a grown up now, and I'm going to 'put on my big girl panties and deal with it'.

I used to journal a lot as a teenager. You know, all that lower middle class angst. It was helpful to get my thoughts out, I process well on paper. I still write out my lists on paper and prefer to write things down before going to the computer. Perhaps that is why some of my posts don't come across as well as I intend. I tend to use this blog as a way of getting things out there, the only difference is that apparently all my thoughts and feelings are being highly scrutinized. Try not to read so much into what I write. I'm usually not being any more guarded than usual. If it's being said, just take it as that and nothing more. I think that if you put all your thoughts down for everyone to see, you also couldn't stand up to such an extensive critique.

I'm emotional, a worrier, and quite dramatic. Often little, seemingly inconsequential things become the most insurmountable, disastrous, panic inducing trauma ever (see what I mean). So, on occasion, things might sound worse than they really are. They might even sound worse than what I really feel about them. Am I super happy to be here? Probably not, but is it the worst place I've ever lived? Not. Even. Close. Those who remember the dungeon apartment in U.P. will know that those were some dark days, quite literally.

So, I hate to say it, but if you are going to read too much into everything that I write, put more feeling and emotion into it than I ever intended,  than you probably shouldn't read what I write anymore. If I have to consider every word that I post, and wonder how it's going to be perceived, I'm not going to write anymore. That will make it too hard and certainly not worth sharing.  Again, I appreciate your concern. For reasons I would rather not explain, I feel as though I am quite aware of my emotional/mental state, and I'm fairly confident that I would know if what I was feeling was severe enough to be concerned about. It's okay to feel elated, pensive, defeated, optimistic, excited, dejected, enraged, and a million other emotions. It's what you do with those feelings and how you choose to react that is important.

Again, try not to read too much into this, but I love this song and I'm going to take a cue from my friend Jaime and end with some lyrics.

Stand, by Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane 
Just like a picture with a broken frame 
Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight 
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright
Chorus
‘Cause when push comes to shove 
You taste what you’re made of 
You might bend ‘til you break 
‘Cause it’s all you can take 
On your knees you look up 
Decide you’ve had enough 
You get mad, you get strong 
Wipe your hands, shake it off 
Then you stand, then you stand


Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out 
The edge of a canyon with only one way down 
Take what you’re given before it’s gone 
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on
Chorus
‘Cause when push comes to shove 
You taste what you’re made of 
You might bend ‘til you break 
‘Cause it’s all you can take 
On your knees you look up 
Decide you’ve had enough 
You get mad, you get strong 
Wipe your hands, shake it off 
Then you stand, then you stand

Every time you get up and get back in the race 
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah
Chorus
‘Cause when push comes to shove 
You taste what you’re made of 
You might bend ‘til you break 
‘Cause it’s all you can take 
On your knees you look up 
Decide you’ve had enough 
You get mad, you get strong 
Wipe your hands, shake it off 
Then you stand, then you stand

Yeah then you stand – yeah 
Yeah, baby 
Woo hoo, Woo hoo, Woo hoo 
Then you stand – yeah, yeah

3 comments:

  1. It's natural to go thru all kinds of emotions when your leave everything you know. It's hard for a lot of people to understand that if they have only lived in one area for their entire life and never moved. I remember when I first moved to WA I cried, alot. I didn't know anyone, had no friends, wasn't close to Tiffany and Will yet, I was a mess. But I wouldn't say I was depressed. And I never told Gene I wanted to go home even after he said I could. I knew what I was doing and I did put on my big girl panties and sucked it up and I was soo glad I did cause I met some awesome people (like you guys).
    The hard thing is putting any type of emotions down for others to see, they will always get misinterpreted in one way or another.
    From my point of view, when I read your last post, I didn't think you were depressed, in fact I just could really relate in a way and remember all the feelings I had. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is to be in a completely different country.

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  2. Thanks Cynthia. We moved a lot as a kid, so I've been 'here' before, only difference is that I chose to move this time. Actually makes it a little easier. I think you're right about other people not getting it if you haven't been there before. Hope your move back home is a happy one.

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  3. Twinnie, I know you are not depressed, and I like you, have up and down days. I love and miss you, and please continue to write as I love reading what you have to say. Hang in there with my next "nephew/niece" and Evan so that I can look forward to smooching your faces when you come home!!

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